Walking by the river in the moonlight
boats tethered to the jetty, gently bobbing
ripples spread across the water
as leaves float on it
like miniature boats in a miniature sea;
The river seems like the sky
and the sky seems like an endless river
filled with smooth white pebbles
called stars;
I untie a boat
and gently dip an oar into the water
the water makes a musical tinkle
as the oar laps it;
The scent of the flowers
is like an aperitif
delicate yet divine;
The moonlight absorbs your mind
with its hypnotic rays;
You sing to yourself
a ballad heard only by the Gods
then you close your eyes
and rest in peace...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Journey into the unkown
Last weekend, I, my flatmate, and his office colleagues went for a trip to Vizag. We left Friday evening and returned Monday morning. The holiday was pretty much conventional, with us covering all the must-see places, which included two pretty beaches, a tour of an ancient Russian submarine, a trip in a cable car, and an absurdly beautiful view of sea and sky melting into one from the top of a lighthouse. And yes, a round-a-small-corner-of-the-sea trip in a motorboat. So far, so ho-hum. The 'unknown' I'm referring to is a new experience, one I'm unlikely to forget.
I'm usually not one for loud fun and frolic, being known more for being quiet in speech as well as actions. But I'm a sucker for peer pressure, and this time was no different. On the first day of the trip, all my friends enjoyed a long swim/jaunt in the sea pre-lunch while I sat on the sand staring across the shore and at the waves. Then we had a sumptuous lunch, where in the name of an aperitif, I had about 300 ml of red wine. The wine was delicious, and I'd no trouble quaffing it down. We had pleasant desultory chit-chat, and then my friends suggested we go for a second swim, and insisted I should step into the water and not just moisten the tips of my toes with sea spray. I was reluctant, but decided to give it a try. I waded somewhat deep into the water, and one of our gang started spashing me with water. That was pleasant, till someone ran up behind me and gave me a mighty push which dunked me head-first into the water, and I had my first taste of the unpleasant mixture of salt and dirt that is sea water. I was disoriented for a moment with this new sensation of being underwater for a few moments, and coughed and spluttered for a few more to regain breath while my friends laughed all around me and welcomed me into the club. Then, I decided to go for it full-steam, and started imitating the actions of my friends to experience the same sensations they were. One of the new things I learnt was that when a big wave is rising and speeding towards you, crouch slightly and stand spreadeagled so you feel a hard physical impact as the wave hits you full-bore in the chest. I did this a few times, and realized the force of the sea (or rather, a microscopic portion of it), as I was almost thrown back repeatedly. Then, a new trick. When a huge wave is rising towards you, turn your back to it, and just as it is about to hit you, jump into the water and let the wave's momentum carry your body to the shore like a piece of driftwood. I realized soon enough that the human body is far from being driftwood and that it barely moves a few feet in this onslaught. There were those who jumped in the opposite direction of the waves and their bodies just remained where they jumped while the waves went to shore and back as usual. As for me, in my enthusiasm, I became as feverish as the lemmings who decide that they can cross the ocean. I plunged in and for more than a few moments, this time, I was an underwater creature, the sounds of the gurgling water filling my ears, as I blindly crawled (I didn't open my eyes underwater; not sure I missed much, but I did escape the burning red rash that formed on the whites of my friends' eyes) like some shelled insect, on the sea bed. It was an eerie sensation, exploring this medium and experiencing the body's survival mechanism switch on. We are all biological creatures whose chemical compositions dictate our lives. Thus, most of us mammals have one or more common traits that include the self-preservation instinct. I suppose this is an instrument of the sub-conscious and is thus automatic.
I went underwater and tried to stay there longer and longer each time I plunged in. I'm sure some of the other tourists who were strolling in the area where we were swimming must've stared at me, gasping and panting, and felt, here's a guy who almost drowned; no wonder there's tight restrictions on swimming and the beach security guy (who's relieving himself in full public view in the middle of the beach at the moment) is shrilly blowing his whistle and motioning to the swimmers to come out in the course of his routine rounds. Now I didn't want to stop at all, but wanted to go deeper and deeper into the sea and stay longer and longer in the water and watch my survival instincts at work. What I really wanted was a flatlining moment; the thin grey space just before the afterlife - the few moments after your spirit has left your body, but you can still see yourself (your body) and your surroundings. But that would be tantamount to suicide, and that wasn't on my mind on this trip. So, finally I left the water and we went back to the hotel, where the sea in my ears, nose, lungs, and stomach, and the wine in my brain, disoriented me so much that I was hardly aware of what I was conversing with my fellow hotel roommate. In the bathroom, filling water for a hot bath, I was staring wildly all around me, trying to clean sand off my clothes (which I'd foolishly kept on) and sandals without making a mess, and taking a bath without taking too much time. My head was beginning to feel like lead and a dull ache was throbbing in my cranium. My friend banged on the door, asking how much longer I was gonna take. At that moment, I felt so wild that if I'd a gun, I'm sure I'd have shot him. Somehow, I clumsily cleaned my clothes and sandals and took a bath, and then we all left for the submarine.
All this while, my system was functioning below capacity, and I was an android with glassy eyes and a wooden expression speaking in monosyallbles. It was only after I had some pav bhaji and a vanilla shake that my senses returned to normal, and I started behaving more like a human again. Finally, when we returned to the hotel room, I realized that the battering of the sea had taken a toll on my muscles, and while my head was clear, my whole body ached. The last beautiful vision I had was of space, the milky way, planets, stars...all seen on the flourescent ceiling wallpaper that glowed in the dark. Then I was plummeting into space...
I'm usually not one for loud fun and frolic, being known more for being quiet in speech as well as actions. But I'm a sucker for peer pressure, and this time was no different. On the first day of the trip, all my friends enjoyed a long swim/jaunt in the sea pre-lunch while I sat on the sand staring across the shore and at the waves. Then we had a sumptuous lunch, where in the name of an aperitif, I had about 300 ml of red wine. The wine was delicious, and I'd no trouble quaffing it down. We had pleasant desultory chit-chat, and then my friends suggested we go for a second swim, and insisted I should step into the water and not just moisten the tips of my toes with sea spray. I was reluctant, but decided to give it a try. I waded somewhat deep into the water, and one of our gang started spashing me with water. That was pleasant, till someone ran up behind me and gave me a mighty push which dunked me head-first into the water, and I had my first taste of the unpleasant mixture of salt and dirt that is sea water. I was disoriented for a moment with this new sensation of being underwater for a few moments, and coughed and spluttered for a few more to regain breath while my friends laughed all around me and welcomed me into the club. Then, I decided to go for it full-steam, and started imitating the actions of my friends to experience the same sensations they were. One of the new things I learnt was that when a big wave is rising and speeding towards you, crouch slightly and stand spreadeagled so you feel a hard physical impact as the wave hits you full-bore in the chest. I did this a few times, and realized the force of the sea (or rather, a microscopic portion of it), as I was almost thrown back repeatedly. Then, a new trick. When a huge wave is rising towards you, turn your back to it, and just as it is about to hit you, jump into the water and let the wave's momentum carry your body to the shore like a piece of driftwood. I realized soon enough that the human body is far from being driftwood and that it barely moves a few feet in this onslaught. There were those who jumped in the opposite direction of the waves and their bodies just remained where they jumped while the waves went to shore and back as usual. As for me, in my enthusiasm, I became as feverish as the lemmings who decide that they can cross the ocean. I plunged in and for more than a few moments, this time, I was an underwater creature, the sounds of the gurgling water filling my ears, as I blindly crawled (I didn't open my eyes underwater; not sure I missed much, but I did escape the burning red rash that formed on the whites of my friends' eyes) like some shelled insect, on the sea bed. It was an eerie sensation, exploring this medium and experiencing the body's survival mechanism switch on. We are all biological creatures whose chemical compositions dictate our lives. Thus, most of us mammals have one or more common traits that include the self-preservation instinct. I suppose this is an instrument of the sub-conscious and is thus automatic.
I went underwater and tried to stay there longer and longer each time I plunged in. I'm sure some of the other tourists who were strolling in the area where we were swimming must've stared at me, gasping and panting, and felt, here's a guy who almost drowned; no wonder there's tight restrictions on swimming and the beach security guy (who's relieving himself in full public view in the middle of the beach at the moment) is shrilly blowing his whistle and motioning to the swimmers to come out in the course of his routine rounds. Now I didn't want to stop at all, but wanted to go deeper and deeper into the sea and stay longer and longer in the water and watch my survival instincts at work. What I really wanted was a flatlining moment; the thin grey space just before the afterlife - the few moments after your spirit has left your body, but you can still see yourself (your body) and your surroundings. But that would be tantamount to suicide, and that wasn't on my mind on this trip. So, finally I left the water and we went back to the hotel, where the sea in my ears, nose, lungs, and stomach, and the wine in my brain, disoriented me so much that I was hardly aware of what I was conversing with my fellow hotel roommate. In the bathroom, filling water for a hot bath, I was staring wildly all around me, trying to clean sand off my clothes (which I'd foolishly kept on) and sandals without making a mess, and taking a bath without taking too much time. My head was beginning to feel like lead and a dull ache was throbbing in my cranium. My friend banged on the door, asking how much longer I was gonna take. At that moment, I felt so wild that if I'd a gun, I'm sure I'd have shot him. Somehow, I clumsily cleaned my clothes and sandals and took a bath, and then we all left for the submarine.
All this while, my system was functioning below capacity, and I was an android with glassy eyes and a wooden expression speaking in monosyallbles. It was only after I had some pav bhaji and a vanilla shake that my senses returned to normal, and I started behaving more like a human again. Finally, when we returned to the hotel room, I realized that the battering of the sea had taken a toll on my muscles, and while my head was clear, my whole body ached. The last beautiful vision I had was of space, the milky way, planets, stars...all seen on the flourescent ceiling wallpaper that glowed in the dark. Then I was plummeting into space...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Now, that's ambition!
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
The glory of Confucius
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Great Britain
There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
What came first...
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"
Slut of the desert
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.
Value for money...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Oh my Law!
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
By law...
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ------- in the family than a lawyer."
El Toro!
A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
What the hell!
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
More!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sign off with a laugh...
In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
LMAO
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Yet another one...
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
Another funny story...
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
A funny story...
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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