Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Call of the Sirens

Walking by the river in the moonlight
boats tethered to the jetty, gently bobbing
ripples spread across the water
as leaves float on it
like miniature boats in a miniature sea;

The river seems like the sky
and the sky seems like an endless river
filled with smooth white pebbles
called stars;

I untie a boat
and gently dip an oar into the water
the water makes a musical tinkle
as the oar laps it;

The scent of the flowers
is like an aperitif
delicate yet divine;

The moonlight absorbs your mind
with its hypnotic rays;

You sing to yourself
a ballad heard only by the Gods
then you close your eyes
and rest in peace...

Monday, January 5, 2009

Journey into the unkown

Last weekend, I, my flatmate, and his office colleagues went for a trip to Vizag. We left Friday evening and returned Monday morning. The holiday was pretty much conventional, with us covering all the must-see places, which included two pretty beaches, a tour of an ancient Russian submarine, a trip in a cable car, and an absurdly beautiful view of sea and sky melting into one from the top of a lighthouse. And yes, a round-a-small-corner-of-the-sea trip in a motorboat. So far, so ho-hum. The 'unknown' I'm referring to is a new experience, one I'm unlikely to forget.

I'm usually not one for loud fun and frolic, being known more for being quiet in speech as well as actions. But I'm a sucker for peer pressure, and this time was no different. On the first day of the trip, all my friends enjoyed a long swim/jaunt in the sea pre-lunch while I sat on the sand staring across the shore and at the waves. Then we had a sumptuous lunch, where in the name of an aperitif, I had about 300 ml of red wine. The wine was delicious, and I'd no trouble quaffing it down. We had pleasant desultory chit-chat, and then my friends suggested we go for a second swim, and insisted I should step into the water and not just moisten the tips of my toes with sea spray. I was reluctant, but decided to give it a try. I waded somewhat deep into the water, and one of our gang started spashing me with water. That was pleasant, till someone ran up behind me and gave me a mighty push which dunked me head-first into the water, and I had my first taste of the unpleasant mixture of salt and dirt that is sea water. I was disoriented for a moment with this new sensation of being underwater for a few moments, and coughed and spluttered for a few more to regain breath while my friends laughed all around me and welcomed me into the club. Then, I decided to go for it full-steam, and started imitating the actions of my friends to experience the same sensations they were. One of the new things I learnt was that when a big wave is rising and speeding towards you, crouch slightly and stand spreadeagled so you feel a hard physical impact as the wave hits you full-bore in the chest. I did this a few times, and realized the force of the sea (or rather, a microscopic portion of it), as I was almost thrown back repeatedly. Then, a new trick. When a huge wave is rising towards you, turn your back to it, and just as it is about to hit you, jump into the water and let the wave's momentum carry your body to the shore like a piece of driftwood. I realized soon enough that the human body is far from being driftwood and that it barely moves a few feet in this onslaught. There were those who jumped in the opposite direction of the waves and their bodies just remained where they jumped while the waves went to shore and back as usual. As for me, in my enthusiasm, I became as feverish as the lemmings who decide that they can cross the ocean. I plunged in and for more than a few moments, this time, I was an underwater creature, the sounds of the gurgling water filling my ears, as I blindly crawled (I didn't open my eyes underwater; not sure I missed much, but I did escape the burning red rash that formed on the whites of my friends' eyes) like some shelled insect, on the sea bed. It was an eerie sensation, exploring this medium and experiencing the body's survival mechanism switch on. We are all biological creatures whose chemical compositions dictate our lives. Thus, most of us mammals have one or more common traits that include the self-preservation instinct. I suppose this is an instrument of the sub-conscious and is thus automatic.

I went underwater and tried to stay there longer and longer each time I plunged in. I'm sure some of the other tourists who were strolling in the area where we were swimming must've stared at me, gasping and panting, and felt, here's a guy who almost drowned; no wonder there's tight restrictions on swimming and the beach security guy (who's relieving himself in full public view in the middle of the beach at the moment) is shrilly blowing his whistle and motioning to the swimmers to come out in the course of his routine rounds. Now I didn't want to stop at all, but wanted to go deeper and deeper into the sea and stay longer and longer in the water and watch my survival instincts at work. What I really wanted was a flatlining moment; the thin grey space just before the afterlife - the few moments after your spirit has left your body, but you can still see yourself (your body) and your surroundings. But that would be tantamount to suicide, and that wasn't on my mind on this trip. So, finally I left the water and we went back to the hotel, where the sea in my ears, nose, lungs, and stomach, and the wine in my brain, disoriented me so much that I was hardly aware of what I was conversing with my fellow hotel roommate. In the bathroom, filling water for a hot bath, I was staring wildly all around me, trying to clean sand off my clothes (which I'd foolishly kept on) and sandals without making a mess, and taking a bath without taking too much time. My head was beginning to feel like lead and a dull ache was throbbing in my cranium. My friend banged on the door, asking how much longer I was gonna take. At that moment, I felt so wild that if I'd a gun, I'm sure I'd have shot him. Somehow, I clumsily cleaned my clothes and sandals and took a bath, and then we all left for the submarine.

All this while, my system was functioning below capacity, and I was an android with glassy eyes and a wooden expression speaking in monosyallbles. It was only after I had some pav bhaji and a vanilla shake that my senses returned to normal, and I started behaving more like a human again. Finally, when we returned to the hotel room, I realized that the battering of the sea had taken a toll on my muscles, and while my head was clear, my whole body ached. The last beautiful vision I had was of space, the milky way, planets, stars...all seen on the flourescent ceiling wallpaper that glowed in the dark. Then I was plummeting into space...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Now, that's ambition!

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

The glory of Confucius

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Great Britain

There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."

What came first...

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.

The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"

Slut of the desert

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,

"What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.